What If?
by CJinn
Summary: Obi-Wan contemplates what could have been if Satine had "said the word" and he had followed her.


_**Disclaimer:** I don't own Obi-Wan even though I sometimes wish I did. But, alas, he belongs to George Lucas/Disney. But hey, I still have the possibility of exploring his adventures. _

_**...**_

 _ **What if…?**_

Master Qui-Gon always taught me that I should keep my thoughts in the here and now, and I have really, really tried. Even when I came here to this force forsaken dustball of a planet, I did that. I still do, but sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if…well everything had turned out in a different way.

What if Satine had asked me to stay with her when we said goodbye on Mandalore? What if I had said yes and left the Order?

Then I would never have met Anakin and someone else would have trained him. Maybe that would have been better. That is, if anyone actually had found Anakin. It was my Master who had this hang up on the idea of the Chosen One, but if I had left he might not have been assigned to the mission on Naboo, and then he would never have found Anakin in the first place. Yes, as it turned out, that might have been just as well. For him, for the galaxy and maybe for me too.

I would never have had to live through the clone wars, maybe they wouldn't even have begun since I wouldn't have been caught in that immensely stupid trap on Geonosis. My fellow jedi would have survived. I would never have been sent to Jabiim, never been -oh Force, I don't even want to think of it- have been locked up in that awful cell on Rattatak. I wouldn't have had to fight Anakin on Mustafar…

It's almost 18 years since that extended mission to Mandalore now, and if I had stayed , if ,well, she had wanted me to stay, we would most likely have been married by now. I'm sure we would have had a happy marriage, at least for the first years. We were so insanely in love with each other. At least I loved her _so_ much. So very, very much. She would have ruled the planet according to her pacifistic conviction and I would have lived with her, being her husband and stayed by her side.

We would have had children. I'm almost certain of it. The attraction we felt for each other would have had…consequences. I would have enjoyed being a father, I think. We might have had a little girl with Satine's blond hair and big blue eyes. Or a boy. Maybe he would have resembled me? Oh, I hope not. He would have been a handsome young man now, and I'm sure he would have had his mother's blond hair as well, but maybe my eyes. It would have been nice if he had resembled me in something.

I would have taught them to fight. Not with lightsabers of course. I would have had to leave it with Master Qui-Gon when I left. Only Jedi carry lightsabers and I would not have been one. But still I could have taught them how to fight with ordinary swords or poles. I wonder if they would have become good at it. As future rulers of Mandalore, they should have.

Though, Satine would not have permitted it. It would have interfered with her pacifistic view. She would have insisted that they should be raised according to her moral viewpoints. No, she would most certainly not have allowed me to do that. What would that have made me? Jedi are, well were, peacekeepers. So am I. I really like to think that. It's just that the 'saber training was ingrained in me so early and I loved it so much. Would I have been able to do that, even for her?

What would she have made me? Oh, we would have loved each other to bits, but after a while, would she have been as infatuated as in the beginning, if I weren't allowed to be there for her in the only way I knew? Would the love have been strong enough or would she have resented me for just following her around like some wide eyed puppy? What if I really had become one? What if my only purpose in life had been being the Duchess of Mandalore's husband? Could I have lived with that? _Would_ I have lived with that? Or would it have made me a lesser man than I think I am? And Force knows I don't hold myself high in esteem right now, right here. But at least she would have been alive now. I think. Maybe Savage Oppress somehow would have found us anyway, and killed her?

Would the children, the child, whatever, have respected me as their father, or would they have seen me only as an appendix to their mother, the ruler of their home world? Would they have loved me, or would I just have been a supernumerary in their lives? Would they have …pitied me for the warrior I was, or even been disgusted by the thought that I had been trained so that I could fight and even kill if I had to?

And apart from that, what if I had never met Anakin? He made my life so rich for so many years until it deteriorated. What would have become of him? He was a clever boy, he might have managed to free himself from slavery sooner or later, and what would that have made him? He was so undisciplined, so raw and untamed. At least I like to think that I managed to ingrain some discipline in him and teach him some of the values and do's and don'ts in the Jedi lifestyle. It's almost impossible to even think it, but he could have become dangerous that way, even more so than he has become as Vader. I'm sure the Sith would have found him anyways. Such a strong Force wielder wouldn't have been unnoticed to them.

Qui-Gon would have lived on. At least he wouldn't have been killed on Naboo. But how would he'd reacted if I had left him and gone to Mandalore? It took so long time to establish the trust between us again after Melida/Daan. Could he have lived with the thought of me abandoning him twice. No, I don't think so, not when he already had the old wounds from Xanatos' betrayal. At least he died as a Jedi that fateful day on Naboo, not as a sick and lonely old man.

The clones wouldn't have been released at Geonosis, but they were already being raised and trained. Even without Geonosis the Sith would have found a way for the war to begin. That's the way of the Sith. No,not much would have changed in that matter.

Yes, the terrible things that have happened might have happened anyway, and it might have ended even worse. For so many.

I may have been an involuntary pawn in this play that is going on throughout the galaxy, but it's not over yet. I have to live my life here, knowing that there is still a meaning in my existence here. Some day the Force will show me what was finally expected from me. Some day Luke will become a man, and by then I may have been able to give him the insight he needs to carry on the fight towards the Sith, and for peace and prosperity in the galaxy.

Yes, I realize now that the Jedi dogma is right. "What if's" doesn't bring anyone any further. It doesn't change the past, nor the future. We have to struggle on along the path life -or the Force- has chosen for us.

I'm caught here on this Force forsaken dustball, but I still have a purpose. I still have the sunsets. I will carry on as long as I'm needed. That's the Jedi way. And that's my way.


End file.
